The Hard Stuff

(This is a post I started at Chistmas, but never finished until now.)

"At Christmas, we like to see things in their proper place. We unwrap the ancient legends and the oldest truths. We like our angels unchanged and our rituals familiar. We like the right faces around the table, the right carols to be sung, the promise that this is how it is and always will be, because that is Christmas. The one still point in a world forever turning." 

The above quote are the opening lines to an episode of one of my current favorite shows: "Call the Midwife." I sat down to watch it and wasn't able to finish until I had processed those lines. 

Because...what happens when your Christmas is no longer a "still point in a world ever turning"? 

This year the faces around the table were, while still cherished, not the right ones. 

This year things weren't in their proper place.

The week leading up to Christmas wasn't an easy one for me. On top of missing my family, and those I normally celebrate with, I had a rough week in language. We had a stretch of several tough lessons back-to-back that left me feeling like a complete failure at Japanese. 

It all came to a head at our church's candlelight service. I had been asked to read a section of Scripture in Japanese, so I was sitting up front during the service with all the other readers. We sang all the "right carols", but in Japanese, so my brain had to work in overdrive to follow along with the hiragana.

Then things came to a head as I thought, "Why the heck am I doing this? Why am I here in this strange place struggling to sing Christmas carols - something that should be so easy and natural." I fought to hide tears that were threatening to embarrass me.

Then the Scripture reading started again. I can't tell you what was being read at that point, because my brain had checked out, but all of a sudden God spoke to my heart. He said, "You have no right to go home and sing Christmas carols in English while millions here don't know the reason we sing these carols." Well. Talk about a reality-check, spiritually speaking. I could go home and live in a familiar setting, with familiar faces, but I would miss the blessing of obeying God's command to plant my life in Japan, and be used by Him. So yes, I have GONE, but now I will STAY.